In a patriarchal society marriage benefits men, making women do huge amounts of unpaid and socially invisible labor. As a man, you can fight against the patriarchy right now by setting yourself a goal of making a woman’s life easier.
In a heterosexual couple the woman is likely the one creating a safe and comfortable environment for a man, frequently even without noticing it herself.
Begin changing this dynamic. Your wife is not a maid. She is your partner, and the partnership should benefit both of you. Right now the benefits are likely skewed towards you and not your wife. Your practical feminist goal is to make your wife comfortable, happy and relaxed in her own home.
So, this is your first task. Reduce the amount of labor your wife does around the house. It might not sound glorious but, first of all, it is, second, it will take you months, if not years to work through changing all of your habits, to earn your wife’s trust and to become competent enough to do all the things she currently does for the both of you.
Start taking over chores, one by one. Do your research. Don’t ask your wife to teach you. Teaching someone is a lot of work, and she’s your wife, not your life coach. You’ve got the Internet, don’t be afraid to Google basic things. How to boil an egg, how to clean the dishwasher, how much detergent is required for bed sheets. You can ask her some questions, of course, but it should be mostly around how she prefers things to be done in cases where that makes sense. For example, if you suspect that she wants things on her nightstand to be in a particular arrangement and you need to take them off to dust it, it makes sense to ask her whether the current setup is important to her. If yes, make a photo of it so that you know how to put it back together again.
Take advantage of a digital calendar. Add recurring chores to make sure you remember them. You will immediately recognize just how many things your wife is managing. When is it time to change the toothbrushes? When is it time to wash the bed sheets? When is the bathroom cleaned? Vacuum cleaning and dusting of the whole apartment/house? Keeping track of paper towels, toilet paper, Q-tips, toothpaste, mouthwash, detergent, soap, etc. All of these things add to the mental load of your wife, and it would be great if you could take over as much of it as you can.
Apart from learning from the Internet, watch her carefully, learn how she does things, be curious and then take over with her permission. Only take over if you are fairly good at the task. Let’s face it, guys. In a patriarchal society we can be grown ass adults and not know how to do basic chores. When was the last time you vacuum cleaned your house and then cleaned the vacuum cleaner? Or have you dusted the apartment fully, can you do it without missing all the surfaces and using the right tools for the job?
Taking over earlier than you are ready will essentially undermine your wife’s already damaged trust in you. You don’t want her to sigh and realize she would just be better off doing it herself. Therefore, don’t take on all tasks at once. Do it gradually. And always always always check in with your wife: is she happy with how you’re doing things? Can you improve? Is she okay with you taking over this particular task?
Which leads me to the question of weaponized incompetence and accepting criticism.
Remember, your practical feminist goal is to make your wife’s life easier. You want her to begin benefiting from being with you. Therefore, do not weaponize your incompetence. If it so happened that your first attempt at something wasn’t great, let her know that you are aiming to improve. Point out what you realize hadn’t worked out. If it’s appropriate, suggest to redo it yourself. There should be zero bitterness and zero ego.
In general, be prepared for criticism and get into the habit of taking it humbly. Remember, your goal is not for your wife to validate you and tell you what a good boy you are for being a normal adult, your goal is to make her happy, comfortable and relaxed in her own home. Women have all the right to be snarky at us, men, for not being able to perform simple chores. If she laughs at your incompetence, it’s her right. She earned it by caring for your ass for years. Not to mention that it is genuinely funny to see an adult not be able to competently pack a bag, fold clothes or iron a shirt.
And while I have you here, begin repairing the discrepancy in affection. Whatever signs of affection you routinely failed to provide to your wife before, you will now work to provide. Your years of not paying attention end today. Begin getting into the habit of being aware of her interests, preferences and desires. She has most probably done that for you. Now it’s your turn to learn to do the same, albeit with a massive delay. All those stories of not getting her a present while she got things for you, all of this should be a thing of the past. You won’t be able to fix it immediately but begin fixing it right now. Again, use a digital calendar to mark out all the dates important to her and set reminders a month or two weeks ahead so that you have time to prepare.
A very very very important point—don’t make the mistake of positioning your transformation as some sort of surprise. Be open with her. You don’t need to lay out a feminist manifesto, just be clear about what you’re trying to do, on thing at a time. “Honey, I’ll clean the bathroom now. How often do you normally do it? I would like to set a regular reminder for myself.” Done. No big promises, no epic speeches.
If she does ask you, share your thinking openly and without fanfare. Tell her you’ve been getting into some feminist-related reading, you realized how much invisible work she’s doing and you would like to start changing that and join her in doing this work.
Pro tip: don’t say you “would like to help” in this context. You are not “helping”, which would imply it’s her job. You are taking on normal adult activities of maintaining a home that the patriarchy told you you shouldn’t be responsible for. You’re not doing your wife a favor, you’re attempting to right a wrong that you’ve been unwittingly committing all of your life.
If you begin this transformation, take it seriously. If you take over a task, you should now be on top of it. You don’t want to betray your wife’s trust by first taking all of these things on and then dropping them once the novelty wears off. In fact, you should be more diligent than normal because you are essentially rebuilding your wife’s trust in you to be an equal partner to her. You were a lesser partner before, incompetent and requiring supervision. Changing that notion of you is not going to be easy and might take months. Be extremely focused, consistent and reliable. Get into the habit of timely communication. If a chore is on your calendar and you cannot make it, inform your wife (when appropriate). It’s completely fine to sometimes ask her to do something if you can’t make it on time. This will show her that you have not forgotten and that you take the task seriously enough to be aware of it and act to ensure it’s done. At the same time, make sure that you plan your life in a way that won’t systemically reduce your ability to do house work. Your wife has given up on enough of her life to be doing most of it for years. Now it’s your turn to chip in. By reducing some of your free time, you are increasing hers.
And this is exactly the goal. You want your wife to suddenly realize she has more free time on her hands than she did before. This is her time now.
If you persevere and truly change the distribution of labor in your home, you will see your wife be way more relaxed and happy. And this is what she deserves!
At the same time, it will make you a better person. You will become calmer, more confident and you will learn a lot about the world. Your renewed attention to detail might uncover new interests and hobbies. It might also improve your relationship with your wife when she realizes you now behave more like a partner rather than a child she has to manage. If this happens, treasure her trust and never break it.
But what if you are single or divorced?
Not a problem. Essentially, the same framework applies. Clean your house like you’re not single. Begin working on the right habits. Your house should not look like a man cave, and you should develop standards of cleanliness that you will then wouldn’t want to give up. Own the environment you’re in, be proactive about daily chores. Men are not taught to do this even for themselves, which is why many single men’s places look like an abandoned warehouse.
Women are doing an ungodly amount of unpaid labor, and it is ingrained into our society to an unbelievable degree. Changing this dynamic is the most impactful thing a man can do today. You don’t need to be an activist, you don’t need to go to protests or run for President. You can and should start contributing to an equal society right now, in your home, and there’s really no excuse to not begin right after you finish reading this sentence.
Hey Louigi, long time fan of your work! As expected this was a great read and really changed my perspective! Admittedly in recent years I have fallen down the alt right pipeline, but your work has helped me stay grounded! Keep it up boss!